sekhmet101 (sekhmet101) wrote,
sekhmet101
sekhmet101

Reflections

Boredom is a very dangerous thing for me, as is the state of vegetation I've been in for the last few weeks. Work has been absolutely insane for the last few weeks. I am so completely drained at the end of the day, I come home and do nothing. I hate doing nothing. I haven't been to belly dance class in a few weeks as I haven't felt so great those days but I really don't have the energy. That's really bad for me. I need to stick to routines because if I don't, well, let's just say its not pretty. And because I have zero energy I have zero motivation. Have I been learning this software? That would be a big fucking no.
And since today was another day of vegetation, I thought reading some lj's would be a good idea to stop the boredom. I was reminded that today is Ellie's birthday by 2 people. I have read several eloquent posts about her passing. While I believe I'm a talented writer, I cannot write well when my emotions are raw. I come across more like Trent Reznor rather then Shakespeare. So I'll just spit it out.
When I called someone at work Ellie, I knew I still had a lot to deal with. I had a dream about her the day after her wake. I wasn't able to attend her funeral. Perhaps the dream had to do with the guilt of missing it. Actually, I'm positive that was it. The cliche about lighting up a room is overused as far as I'm concerned. However, in Ellie's case it is not a cliche. It is the truth. She would walk in, bubbly and beautiful as always. Just standing next to her could put me in a good mood. Even when she complained about something, which was rare, she was just so sweet I couldn't be in a bad mood when she was around. I was in awe of a woman who was so incredibly beautiful yet so warm.
I feel a great injustice has been done to take this amazing person so soon in her young life. I am angry and depressed all at once. I miss her terribly. And my mind can't help but be drawn to the morbid thoughts I'm thinking. And I cannot stand to think of these things.
Ellie I miss you. I hope you know how much you mean to everyone's life who you touched. I carry you in my heart.
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